


Run

by theskywasblue



Series: 7 Deadly Sins [7]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Angst, Child Abuse, Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-21
Updated: 2010-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:21:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasblue/pseuds/theskywasblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It gnaws at him, endlessly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [7 Deadly Sins](http://community.livejournal.com/7_deadly_sins_/) Community on Live Journal - Prompt: Gluttony; and inspired by Snow Patrol's "Run"

As Jien wrapped the strip of cloth torn from the hem of his shirt around his brother's scraped knee, he marvelled at how long Gojyo's legs had become – wiry, powerful and dark from the sun. They looked like they could carry him anywhere, but they always seemed to be failing him, falling out from under him, not quite strong enough to support his weight, speed and daring. His knees were forever raw.

"Why the hell do you fall down all the time huh?"

Gojyo wrinkled up his nose, brought his bony fist down on Jien's shoulder, "I don't wanna do it stupid – it just _happens_!"

"Well, maybe you could try being more careful or something."

Gojyo huffed irritably, but the sound was more hurt than angry, "Why're you being such a hard-ass Jien?"

Jien folded his arms over Gojyo's raw knees, one hand idly tugging the folded pant-leg down. How could he explain what it felt like, the weight, the endless ache in his shoulders, the sensation in his gut like something was eating him from the inside – so hungry, so relentless that he couldn't eat or sleep? How could he admit to the nights he found himself standing over Gojyo's bed with no idea how he had come to be there or what he intended to do?

"I won't always be able to pick you up, you know."

For an instant – almost too quick to catch – fear darted through Gojyo's eyes, "Yeah…well I don't need you to pick me up stupid – I can stand fine by myself."

Jien rose, took a step back, and watched Gojyo prove himself, watched the coltish wobble of his scraped knees, instinctively poised to catch him, break his little brother's fall with his body.

"See?" Gojyo challenged, grinning defiantly.

"Yeah," Jien smiled tiredly, pushing the hair back out of his eyes, hand coming down afterwards to ruffle Gojyo's hair in the way that always made him growl and dart out of reach, "Just watch where you're going once and a while."

"Why don't _you_ watch it, huh? You're the one who's spaced out all the time – dummy!"

Jien knew his brother was right. Everything had been getting cloudy in his head; it felt a little like he was living the same day over and over again – where he bandaged Gojyo's knees, tousled his hair and watched him vanish, running on endlessly long legs.

"Gojyo…do you love me?"

Gojyo balked, an involuntary yip of bemused laughter escaping him, "Jien, you say the weirdest stuff sometimes."

Jien opened his mouth – to agree, to laugh the question off if he could manage it – and Gojyo's arms slid around his waist, stronger than he could have guessed. He felt the soft exhalation of Gojyo's breath against his ribs, the heat of his forehead through the fabric of his shirt. Jien laid his hand on the top of his little brother's head, relishing a gesture that had become so rare he couldn't even remember the last time they had been so close, the last time Gojyo had been closer to him than arm's length.

Then Gojyo was gone, spinning away on his heel and sprinting up the road towards the house, heels kicked high, arms spread wide like he was flying, "Hurry up Jien!"

Jien wanted to run after his brother, catch him and hold him tight, protect him forever, keep his feet and he knees off the ground; but he was sure he could never catch up to those long legs. It was better to let Gojyo get away anyhow, no matter how desperately Jien missed the eager sloppiness of his baby kisses, the graceless tangle of his sleeping limbs, the sound of his breathing and the smell of his hair when he lay awake at night and listened to the house settling around them, slowly collapsing.

When the thing in his gut was done eating up everything, Jien wondered, would he still remember his little brother, would he still remember all the things he loved about Gojyo, would he still remember how to keep Gojyo safe?

The truth was that Jien knew he couldn't keep Gojyo forever – not without leaving him constantly at the mercy of his untrustworthy legs – and worse things. There were so many worse things than falling down and having no one to pick you up.

By the time Jien reached the house – a long slow walk he didn't really want to finish, dragging his heels through the dirt – his mother was already screaming inside and Jien's stomach rolled, empty and aching.

_You already have me – isn't that enough? Why do you have to take Gojyo too?_

Jien knew that all he had to do was step though the door, call for his mother, and it would stop – for a while. He could give her what she needed – what she wanted – but he could give and give and give and it would never really be over. He would live the same day again and again, until he was eaten up inside and out.

And then it would be Gojyo's turn.

He climbed the stairs, opened the door, sword in hand, tears hot on his face – the only thing he could feel beyond the ache in the pit of his stomach – and crossed the seemingly endless expanse of the stained wooden floor, moving towards the long shadow his mother cast, knowing exactly how he had come to be there and what he intended to do.

_Gojyo…do you love me?_

-End-


End file.
